What NSA documents reveal about 2014 in Search and Digital Marketing
Definitely the Pandora’s box opened by Edward Snowden about the massive espionage, that the NSA did of millions of citizens around the world, has been – and will be for many months – one of the hottest news, and it has ironically made more popular among the public the (bad) practices that the big Internet companies (Google, Facebook, et al) follow regarding the use of our private data.
What we didn’t know – until now – is that the NSA collected also a ginormous amount of secret information about the same Internet companies it uses for spying us.
In fact, between my more than 13,000 Twitter followers,and behind a false identity and the image of a cute young lady from Eastern Europe, hides himself an official of the Northern American secret services, who – after several DMs – finally relented and passed me a file that lists the hottest secrets of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and some of the most popular Internet companies in the world.
What revealed in that file is of such importance that must be made public. It discloses some of the most undecipherable secrets of Internet and paints a future that sound threatening, at least.
The Monkey Update
If Panda and Penguin did not make you sleep, if your life has become a series of nightmares, then the update that the geeks at Google have in mind for next year will make appear Nightmare on Elm Street as it was a family comedy.
Google, in fact, for some years now has been training monkeys (more precisely Capuchin monkeys) to push a penalty button every time they see a site with a subscription banner hovering in the home page.
The problem, according to what is revealed in an email from Matt Cutts to Amit Singhal, is that the monkeys have not yet understood very well the difference between banner and logo and/or image in the header, so it looks like they hit the penalty button at random.
Nevertheless it seems certain that Google will launch this update towards the second half of 2014, and that any false positives will be corrected in subsequent refreshes.
Why Google bought eight robotics companies
In the aim of creating the perfect personal assistant, Google is in the advanced stage of production of a robot prototype, which will offer always not only the right answer at the right moment and even before than we will ask a question, but also understand those things we desire thank to the telepathic connection it will have with us.
For example, if we are working and we have the sudden urge for a coffee, the Google Robot will serve us immediately the best espresso.
No word yet if this robot will be presented at the next I/O.
Indeed, there are still serious problems. Exemplary is the case of an engineer, whose wife left him after discovering how he was thinking about some Hollywood actresses in the most intimate moments with her. To reveal this was the same Google Robot, who suddenly entered into the bedroom reciting the Wikipedia’s biographies of Jennifer Lawrence, Evangeline Lilly and Scarlett Johansson.
It seems that the issue has to be found in the opt-out privacy settings.
The Zuck Update
Tired of the constant updates to the EdgeRank (or whatever it’s called now), it seems that Zuckerberg has the firm intention to take back the firm control of Facebook and launch the Zuck Update: every person with a profile on Facebook will see in his timeline only the content published by Zuckerberg himself.
It seems that his closest collaborators and his shareholders are trying to dissuade him, since the founder of Facebook posts only once every two months on average.
In defense of the ads
Facebook engineers have noted with concern that their users are increasingly adept at blocking the ads in their news feed.
For this reason they are developing a system of bollards messages of the type:
If you remove the ads all the pictures of your cat will disappear. Are you sure to do that?;
If you remove the ads, you will suddenly become fan of Julio Iglesias, Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton. Are you sure to do that?.
The answer “No” will be a normal size button, while the answer “Yes” will be a button so small it would be practically impossible to select on a smartphone.
A new direction
Instagram will change its name to FoodGram.
From that moment the only accepted photos will be of food (and with “yum yum” as their caption).
Any attempt to upload photos of any other type will be punished with the immediate ban of the user.
The hashtag update
The contest of the year
A secret internal chat between two important members of the Spotify marketing team reveals how the Justin Bieber retirement is a fake organized by Spotify itself.
Next will come the announcement of the One Direction’s break-up.
When it will happen, Spotify will launch a contest between its users, asking who they want to come back. That means that Spotify will broadcast only One Direction and Justin Bieber’s songs 24/7 during three months.
In an attempt to be the most realistic Social Network, starting from the last few months of 2014 Twitter will offer the ability to send Vine’s videos in Odorama, so that we can share stories that smells.
Twitter will buy Second Life
Exactly! Twitter will buy Second Life, which will be used as a Purgatory for all the banned Twitter accounts.
Not only they will be forced to spam each other, but also they will be obliged to constantly see Promoted Tweets and LOLCats.
The real inventors
The anonymous hacker, who invented the Bitcoin and is known with the pseudonym of Satoshi Nakamoto, is none other than the Prince Charles of England.
And the idea of Bitcoin was originated by an old project of the Bilderberg Group.
THE BLACK HAT EVOLUTION
A quite known internet marketer, cited as B.C. in the file, will present the definitive anti-Google tool: picture of peanuts.
It seems that B.C. had been snitched about the Google Monkey Update and how it works.
Because of this, B.C. is completing a complicated code to insert into the HTML of a website, the purpose of which is to present a picture of peanuts when the server detects a visit from Mountain View.
The monkeys will go crazy and won’t hit the penalty button.
Of course, all these predictions are absurd … or not! After reading many of the preview posts that have been published during the last weeks, maybe mine are not so strange at all.
The forecasts “FoodGram” and “Odorama” were originally made by my friend Ricardo Tayar, an excellent Spanish SEO (and also inventor of the terrible Balrog Update), which annually publishes a series of absurd prophecies, some of which became true.